Well shit. I’m surprised. Maybe I shouldn’t be, sounds like its been a rough year or so for everyone involved. I think I’ve come a long way since joining up here, and ultimately, I think this is actually what’s best.
Unfortunately, like so many, I also haven’t posted much in some time. In the (near two years, I think,) since I joined Kaza, life has had some highs and some huge lows, mostly recently. Lost some IRL friends, lost my first apartment, because I had to quit my job because of personal/health issues. None of that matters much to me now though, as I’d been lurking around, hoping to find the time and interest to start posting again. Unfortunately, I still haven’t really gotten it back, but I am compelled to speak once more. I absolutely refuse to keep freezing up at the plate.
I guess I should admit first, I certainly could have made the time to be around more, but if I’m being entirely honest, I got really put off by the “offending people” thing. Anybody whose read my posts where I’ve mentioned how life was for me growing up and/or had similar life experiences can probably guess why I have this sort of stance. Looking back, though, I suppose I never properly explained myself, and in hindsight, I probably should have been more direct and vocal. I should have given back more than I got, and I didn’t. Maybe this will be the one that carves it in, maybe I’ll learn the lesson this time.
It’s especially hard now, as I remember during that “period,” a staff member messaged me with a question I really should have just answered properly, but I was stubborn, as I had a personal code about that kind of stuff. I left the Discord server in a huff over it, and I regret all of that now as I don’t even follow that code anymore because it’s clearly flawed more than it is mechanically sound, from experience with it both inside and (mostly) outside of Kaza. I’m not arrogant enough to think I could ever have swayed anyone to my viewpoint (on anything, really), but it might have helped to at least put it out there. Maybe it would have opened the door to more honest discussion, and I’d have realized my qualms weren’t as important as I thought they were, and carried on a little longer. Maybe I wouldn’t have just up and left the way I did. I don’t know, and now I never will. I’ll have to carry that one with me, for good or ill.
I don’t know if any of my posts or comments actually offended anyone, as no one ever told me so, but in the event that they did and I was unaware, I sincerely apologize that they did, as that wasn’t the intent. All I know is that it got stuck in my head that given my asshole-ish nature, I’d might say something that’d bother somebody, and consequently, my last few posts were milquetoast garbage and uninspired. Eventually I locked up completely, then just resigned myself to the bench. Sorry about that.
I tried to put forth a positive position where possible because it was how I truly felt at the time. If I felt down on something, I’d either briefly mention and try not to dwell on it, or stay radio silent. I also did it because I was so fucking tired of all the echo chambered sound of the snarky, unoriginal, bandwagoning, regurgitated diarrhea opinions constantly circling the drain in the gaming/anime hobby as it is. Kaza was an excellent counterbalance to that; loads of people who, despite disagreements and legitimate criticism on certain points, were exceedingly well-thought out in their responses to each other. Like, genuine and passionate, surgical precision. A carefully considered, yet organic dance of discussion. I was stunned. I’d posted and lurked on plenty of forums before, but nothing like this place. I dislike naming people outright, (but time is now short, and I’d like to commend them properly, if only in shout-out form as I’m not particularly close to anyone here as to PM them), but the old posts of vets like Kanon, Takafumi, Pepe, and Mogaoscar drew me in and struck a chord with me when I was just simply searching for answers and meaning after finishing Tomoyo After. Lurking into other threads, I found that all of Kaza was a gold mine of fascinating and deep discussion on a higher level than any other forum I had perused/posted/lurked on before. In some small way, virtually everyone’s work and posts here helped me reignite my passion for writing and looking deeper into my favorite works of fiction. I don’t believe I ever rose to the level of anybody here when it came to my own contributions, but honestly, it was just cool as fuck for me to just chat with you all in the threads. To be part of things, even if only in small way. I regret not taking better advantage of the opportunity to actually become better friends with anybody here. I can’t blame it all on my anxiety, you guys were super cool and welcoming, I just dropped the ball. I just hope at the end of the day, I wasn’t too much of a bother.
The year that I was active on here completely flew by, and was absolutely wonderful. Even if I didn’t have anything to say, I’d practically run to my computer after work or school, and open up my browser, and pick up where I left off, whether it was new posts, or devouring ancient threads that hadn’t been touched since 2014. The LB! Bookclub was awesome. It was particularly fun as I had watched the anime years ago, but couldn’t remember any details of it really outside of the Kurugaya route episodes, so it was like experiencing it for the first time all over again, but with people to chat about all your favorite bits. All of my friends are only vaguely interested in anime, and none of them are into VNs at all (unfortunately, the stigma of ecchi/H-Scenes is still strong as fuck, even if plenty of VNs don’t have them), so I’d never had the opportunity to talk about any of this kind of stuff on any more than a surface level before. I was completely out of my depth, but just enjoyed the titanic waves crashing around me. I’m still beating myself up a bit that I kinda bombed on the one podcast I was on, but at least in that instance, I know I’d have regretted it more if I hadn’t even tried to get on one, so a big thank you to Aspi for the chance to try it out. It was still an awesome experience, and I feel as though I learned from it in the end. Not every memory has to have fucking unicorns and cupcakes to be valuable and worth remembering, and I’d say the vast majority of my time here was filled with warm memories that I’ll carry with me for a long time.
Through Kaza and everyone here, I assure you it is no small compliment from me when I say thank you to all of you for helping me find my way back to my passion of reading and writing about goofy shit I love. Something I had abandoned when shit got rough, but even losing it was important. I will Never Know Best, but now I Know Better than I did before. Maybe that’s all I can muster up. Right now, though, it’s enough.
There’s many good things I can say about you as a person, but probably the things I’m the most grateful for are your selflessness with the Japan Post service you started and the Secret Santa events, which for me will forever be the embodiment of my personal Kaza values: trusting others you might not know and giving your all for those you are getting to know.